Living in
this life not knowing if I’m just existing. Or am I part of an imaged
background, floating past all the rest of the world.
The life I
believe I have been leading … it’s as if I am moving, possibly floating forward
with the feeling of a rope attached to me and trying to pull me back as I try
to gain momentum and move forward and at the same time Images of my life and
decisions I have made are swirling around me. Was I wrong, has everything I’ve
done been a mistake or am I progressing and a dark force trying to convince me
everything I have done has been for nothing and everything I touch I destroy?
Have I made
a difference, Is there happy in this life? Will they prevail or grudgingly move
forward to spite me…the knot securely planted in my throat as I think and
release these thoughts to my keys.. the burning tears, the shaking of my hands
the fear of these thoughts and if there is truth.
But
somewhere deep inside me I can Hear and I can feel the thoughts of; You have
done your best and you are strong and will overcome and not be a sub sequential
thought in the line of progression. The tasks you have been handed have not
always been easy but you did not give up. You sacrificed and bore yourself and
your soul to see that no one should suffer such as you have. Yes you have made
mistakes and Yes there will continue to be tough times but I have bore to you
that you have the FAITH and strength to endure the fiery darts, cold words, and
moments of cavernous silence and loneliness inside yourself. Remember I have
created you out of love and forgiving of your sins and the way that you hurt
yourself the most is by not coming to me and relying on me and believing that
my plan for you is much greater than the one you can create for yourself. My
child when you try to carry these burdens alone you become your own demise….
It’s at this
point that my body trembles from the tears and emotions that have taken over my
body. I have to relinquish control and have faith and live my life with him as
the North Star…never changing and always there. A bright beacon of hope.
One other
time I distinctly remember Him speaking to me in my time of letting go and
healing. He said, I cannot make him choose you such as I cannot make him choose
me… Those words held such truth. The
feelings that followed, that the pain and burden left in my heart, the love I
once had for someone, all of it was lifted and taken from my heart and
shoulders. I felt the full physical and emotional weight be lifted from me.
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